schmibn's Journal

Well after more than 30 days offline, I FINALLY am allowed back online again. And Hotmail, those fuckers, decided that since I had not logged on in more than 30 days, they could delete ALL MY OLD EMAILS!!!!! I have had that damn account since '99, and all those old saved emails are GONE! I had emails from Jess when she liked me, from Jess when she didn't like me, from boys that I screwed around with in college, from Tiff when we first started our whole affair.....all gone.....sniff, sniff.

In other news, I have resigned from my job. I will be 26 a week from Saturday, and....I am unemployed. Good for me. That's what I think. I have spent this past week not getting dressed, spending money I shouldn't spend at Target, cooking, and watching soaps. It's been great.

I finally worked up the courage to tell Joni last night. She was much better than I thought she would be. I only cried a little bit, when I told her how much not wanting to disappoint her drives me. She said she doesn't mean to put all that pressure on me, and I'm her daughter and she will love me unconditionally, blah blah blah. So it was a good talk.

Today I spent four hours on monster.com and posted for ten different positions within the Asheville area. I also went to Office Max and had twenty copies of my resume printed front and back on nice parchment paper which only cost me $25. Raping bastards.

We have been very domestic as of late since we are poor, but it is fun to stay at home and watch movies, or cook, or stay in bed for six hours straight, or do whatever. We are both cheesy happy girls.

Since her cell phone is one of those stupid trak-phones she was using my phone to make calls for the past month, and now my cell phone bill is $432 after a month and a half. That was hard for me to not blow my top on. It's not completely her fault, but dammit!

I am still searching for a different job. Even though they gave me a raise because they think I will quit, I have to do something different. I am not being paid enough, and I am not happy at work.

She asked me to wear a ring..... :)

I'm bored. The first night I have been by myself in a month, and I am not excited at this independance, I am bored out of my mind.

She is at work till midnight, or until she gets pissed off and quits, whichever comes first. I'm all for her quitting, since Stephen is being an ass, but she thinks it will look bad on me, so she is sticking it out. Honestly, I don't care. I'm over this job anyway. Posted for five or six positions on monster.com this afternoon, a couple of which were receptionist jobs, Monday thru Friday 9 to 5, and they freakin' pay more than I make now!! Not cool. I can handle answering the phone and being cheery. Don't even care that I'm not using that all-powerfull college education that hasn't got me jack squat as of yet anyway.

There's my rant.

Her best friend Jaime in Arkansas got hit by her boyfriend, and is apparantly going to leave and come back up here where she's from tomorrow. Tiff and I are sending her $50 for gas to help out. I know she and I have struggled a bit financially the last couple weeks, and other people have helped us out to get through, so I am happy to do it for someone else.

Used my little shaver thing that I usually use for nose hairs "down there" for a close shave....um, especially on the....lip.....area. I think I got a little carried away with it. I know I get that way when I start plucking/shaving/pulling out hairs. Oops.

Told the ex-Jay about me and Tiff last night. That was fun for me.

Permagrin still!!

I am still happily living on Cloud 9. Except for the unwelcome intrusion of work, we are going about in our own chessy giddiness. We had been saying how we were not fit for public viewing, how we needed a flashing neon sign above our heads just to prepare the public.....but that was before we met Vanessa's new girlfriend on Saturday night.

Low class trash. And that's the nicest way I could come up with to say it. She's nineteen, Vanessa's 28. They were both sporting mad hickeys all over their bodies, in very public, obvious places. We met at the bowling alley, and I was immediately embarrassed by their lack of public decorum. Her girlfriend, Amy, was sitting in one of the chairs by the lanes, and Vanessa was kneeling between her legs and had her face all in Amy's stomach-type area. Tiff and I were completely reassured that we are where we are supposed to be, and no longer have any concerns that we are not acting properly in public.

We decided that we are some strange new breed of socially snobby lesbians. We are like the golf club member girly girls. Strange. And yet, I have no issues regarding this relationship.

I had fully anticipated having some sort of weirdness regarding some aspect of this relationship. Either sleeping together, or sex, or being in public, or something...but I have not had any qualms. I quite happily hold her hand in public-or kiss her when we're at a red light, or snuggle up while we're sleeping.

Permagrin

We are very very poor, and yet oh so irresponsible. We have spent way too much money at the bar or on beer in general in the last two weeks....and we must learn how to behave ourselves. I'm convinced that we don't need to go to classes for this :)

Today is my day off, and hers as well. We were going to drive down to my mom's house and take the boat out by ourselves (and christen it) but it is pouring rain, so instead we will go grocery shopping, do laundry, go to the farmer's market, and to a movie. See, we can be wholesome!

I am more in love than I have ever felt before...

Still giddy. And still poor. Which is not necessarily a bad combination, since it keeps us at home and creative in ways to get enough cash to make it to Friday.

The family thinks I have flipped my lid in my thoughts to move to Iowa. Tiff wants to go...which I love of her, and I do too, but the responsible Weerheim part of me knows exactly what my family will think, which influences me more than I care to admit.

I've made it through one and a half episodes of the L Word....still getting distracted.

I no longer want to go to work everyday...I would much rather lay in bed or go exploring the mountains or watch TV or drink a few beers or just stare sappily and grin like an idiot.

Yay!

So yes, I am giddy. LIke I need a flashing neon sign above my head, "Not Fit for Public Viewing"...we got into a little trouble at our regular bar the other night when I licked her neck and the bar owner mentioned that we needed to do "that sort of thing" outside. Whoops.

Anyhoo, definitely love. Definitely like "it". Definitely giddy.

Also definitely freakin' tired. Working overnights for the next 3 days, and hate hate hate sleeping during the day.

Oh yeah, so yesterday she and I went to Old Navy where I might have bought her like 4 shirts because she was trying on whatever I asked of her and looked super-cute. So I bought myself a couple shirts too, and put it all on the Old Navy card (which maybe mom pays for). And when I told mom I went to Old Navy yesterday, she asks if I bought clothes "just for me". And I lied. Because I don't see anything wrong with it, especially if I pay mom back next time I see her. She shouldn't have specifically asked me that.

I've been simmering with small bits of resentment at mom for a week and a half now.

Tried to watch the L Word with her yesterday.....ended up using the chair for other than just sitting.

Giddy Giddy Giddy

I told her I loved her after 5 days!!!

The shit has officially hit the fan. It is no good....

I don't think I can do this...it's too hard. Seeing them together...she said they were breaking up, but it's hard to believe when Vanessa is calling her "baby" and all that shit. It's not good for me to watch it. I don't think I can.....

She keeps looking at me, I know she's trying to say what she thinks, but how do I know it's for real? How do I know there is follow-through.....I don't think I can take the waiting....

I have no patience.....NOW!

So I actually slept for six hours last night. I am so proud of myself. Of course, when I woke up at 9:30 this morning, I think my body would have felt more tired than before I slept had I not been so freakin' giddy. That would be the only word I have to describe!!! Last night I got some revealing emails from Tiff, and I may have contributed in like fashion.....so I'm giddy. Bite me.

So so so broke right now. I think I may have spent a total of $200 while Becky was here on assorted food, gas, and beer money, and apparantly that was wrong and irresponsible of me. So I had to beg the mommy for some money so I can pay my rent and get by till next week. Being poor builds character right?

Of course since I have no employees I will be working an assload of hours the next couple weeks, so I guess that means I will get a bigger check, but I hate doing nothing but sleep/work sleep/work. Makes Mandy a very dull girl.

Can't sleep again.

Laid in bed all night last night staring at the ceiling.....thinking thinking thinking

I'm not going to deal with this. Not cool. In fact, I'm going to go with, there is nothing for me to not deal with here. I think I should just let it go.

My brain plays these little tricks on me. It thinks, what if this is just some elaborate joke they conspire on together to play on unsuspecting straight girls???

Or, what if she just gets drunk and says silly things that I take seriously

Or, what if it's all true.

Much anxiety.

After that OHMYGOD convo with Tiffany, or, should I say, with Tiffany, and Jess, and I (thanks SO much) I had to do some breathing exercises in order to not hyperventilate in the bar.

Then Tiff sends me texts on the way home: everything from "I want you" to "I would LOVE to go to Iowa". I, of course, am responding in drunken fashion. Whatever.

So THEN, I get a phone call at 2am. It's Vanessa. She and Tiff got in a huge fight when Vanessa tried to take the phone away from Tiff to see what she was texting. Vanessa claims she did this just because she wanted to get involved in the conversation, not because she was suspecting anything. So Vanessa is crying, telling me if I want her, I can have her....then she calms down and was asking if Tiff has ever said anything remotely sexual to me, has she ever come on to me, would I go with her if that was what Tiff wanted. That was definitely God punishing me for revealing, even a little bit, how I felt at the bar.

I think I convinced Vanessa that there was nothing going on. She asked if she and Tiff broke up, would I take Tiff, and I squirmed for a bit, and told her I would never be responsible for breaking anyone up. That seemed to pacify her.

So....I'm supposed to go watch Vanessa play darts tonight and sit with Tiffany. I'm sure that won't be uncomfortable at all.

Thinking real hard about the Ankeny situation. Going to talk with David and John about it tomorrow.

Scary

Would it make me go back to who I was....or still be who I now am? And it would only be a temporary means to an end....

There is a $2500 kareoke contest on Sunday night. Thinking real hard about that, too. I think I could make it into the end....but not sure if I could win.

Scary

I need four new tires. There's thread showing on all four. That's exciting.

So very very very poor.

I had posted for a sales position with Weatherbeeta, which makes horse blankets, in my fit of anguish over the whole James situation on Saturday. Anyhoo, the rep called me the other day and wants me to interview. The job sounds super cool-traveling to shows, tack shops, etc. to market and promote the product. The downside? The job is in New Jersy. In the really expensive part of New Jersy, like just over the border from NYC. Of course this means they would pay me oodles of money to compensate for the high cost of living, but.....

It's only Wednesday and I have already worked 35 hours. This is freakin' ridiculous.

Rascal Flatts new song "What Hurts the Most" is the shit. Very relatable at this moment.

Klein Sexual Orientation Grid I scored an average of 1.95

So there Bill

James told me he wasn't interested last night

Have drank beer every night since Monday. It is now Saturday. I refuse to feel shame because of this, as I no longer do this sort of thing anymore, so once in a great great long while is okay. So there feelings of alcoholism.

Got drunk with James last night. Made out quite a bit.....in the bed. YAY! He spent the night, cuz we were trashed. Don't care-I'm still a happy camper.....

The above was posted like two weeks ago, but never made it to a finished draft, I think becuase I may have still been intoxicated when I typed it. Good for me.

So it's Friday, and I am once again broke broke broke! However, I deserve to go out and drink a few beers tonight, because it's been a poopy week. Much stress.

Oh, and, James worked with me last night, and we were bickering (which is the norm) and at one point he says, "you are the reason I am an alcoholic". Oh mother-may-I PLEASE overanalyze this statement??!!!! Does this mean A-absolutely nothing. Just an offhand comment. B-that he is so annoyed by me that he has to go home and drown his desire to strangle me with his bare hands in beer. Or, my personal favorite... C-that he wants me so strongly, but is scared of what he feels, and knows that it is wrong with us working together, so he hides it and drinks beer instead.

Honestly, I don't get it. We are so so flirty flirty. Not in an obvious way, but more like the way we look at each other. I actually make eye contact with him sometimes. When I'm not scared.

Just got back from a night of drinking at the bar....so if my spellin is bad, please forgive me. James and his cousin Brandon came to the bar too, so of course that was big fun for me. I really shouldn't like him-all smart parts of my brain tells me to stop, but I don't seem to be able to help myself. He's just so damn hot!!! And funny, and sarcastic, and just mean enough to keep me interested. Can't explain...it just is...

I have now worked two freakin' weeks straight without a day off. And the madness continues. Tomorrow, if I'm lucky, I will get a half a day off to spend with my mommy, whom I haven't seen since she dropped me off and picked me up from the airport for my flight back to Iowa. Then I will be working all week long again with no day off. At this point in time, I think my next day to myself will be two weeks from tomorrow. This is ridiculous.

This week I worked sixty hours, the week before, 70 hours. And the ironic part is, I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO BROKE!!!! Don't get paid this this coming Friday. In the meantime, I took four DVDs back to Walmart that were still in the plastic in the hopes of getting cash back. No such luck.

Thankfully, mom is bringing me groceries, and hopefully, some gas money so I can make it through the week.

Advertisement